When I'm Gone
by HPgirlKHfanGleek
Summary: When Sebastian realizes that there is nothing left for him to live for, he gives himself two weeks before he takes his life. Warnings-selfharm, Suicide, Eating disorders
1. Chapter 1

When I'm Gone

I listen to my father yelling at me, but he can't hurt me right now. Not when I'm in my safe haven of the adjoining bathroom in my room. I distinctly catch a couple words he's yelling at me. "You little fag; you're a disgrace to this family." With those last words, my father left, slamming the front door.

I take out the stained metal blade, its touch cold against my skin. I begin to dig it into my arm, where no one would see it. I was a failure in life, my father was right. I am just a fag, a stain on the Smythes' prestine family tree. I know that I'm a disappointment to my father and mother if she was alive. I start to cry, my tears fall onto my new cuts. I hiss at the pain of my salty tears when they touch my open wounds, this isn't the pain I liked, the pain I liked was when I was digging a blade into myself and watching the blood as it began to emerge from my body. The pain feels good but I clean up and put band aides on the cuts. I have to get to Warbler rehearsal, though I don't see the point, it's just a stupid competition.

I get into my car and start the engine. I begin to pull out of my driveway when a thought deemed to me, I could make everything go away. I could end it all. I wouldn't have to listen to my father telling me that I'm a dirty little fag. I realize that I passed Dalton, so I make a U-turn. I would give myself two weeks to ready everything. In two weeks I would kill myself. In two weeks I'll see my mother again. She won't be mad, she'll have me again.

When I walked in, I could see that the meeting had been called to order. I look for an empty seat but see that every chair had been filled. I stood by the door, leaning against the cold mahogany wall.

"Warbler Sebastian, what is your reason for being tardy?" I had actually thought I would have been able to get away with it but no Wes had to be so damn observant.

"I forgot to come, seeing that these meetings are a complete waste of my time." I sneered, though I know that the meetings are one of the fun things that I have left in my life.

"I'll let it slide, since you are the lead singer." Wes said with a bemused face on. I always get away with everything. The other Warblers start to snicker, some whispering to another. I know that they are talking to me, but I don't care.

I walk out of Warbler practice feeling even worse about myself. Nick and Jeff were cuddling for most of it, David and Wes were texting their girlfriends, and I just stood there utterly disgusted at all the love that was in a single room.

I go to the Lima Bean, hoping that Blaine and Kurt were there, but they weren't. So I order myself some black coffee and claim a table. I try to focus on doing my homework but other things were plaguing my mind.

_How would I do it? Hang myself? Pills? Maybe I should over cut. That's it, I'll just over cut. It feels good when I cut. What am I going to do with all of my things? I won't allow letting all of my things be given to my father. Maybe I would give everything I own to charity._

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't notice that Kurt had slid into the chair across from me.

"Are you okay?" He asks looking at me with concern.

"Why do you care, Gay Face? Shouldn't you be with your sex on a stick boyfriend?" I snap back at him. I take a sip of coffee and realize that it's still hot.

"Well, you've been staring into space for the past twenty minutes. I just wanted to know if you were okay." Kurt said, standing up and gathering his things.

"I'm sorry." I don't know why I said that. I didn't want him to leave I guess. If I die, I wanted to make everything right, especially with Kurt and Blaine. I really fucked up their lives.

Kurt stared at me as though I told him that the world was going to end. He nearly dropped his coffee. I must be a horrible person if this is how people react if I say something nice.

"I have to go." He turned around and walked away, well not walk, he probably wanted to get away from me. Even one of the nicest people in Lima doesn't like me. I really hate my life. I gather my things and prepare to face the wrath of my father at home. Maybe tonight, he'll leave me alone. But I can only wish.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N-I absolutly love this story,I hope you guys like this chapter. Yes I know I should be writing another chapter for The Fake Boyfriend, but like I said I love this story and I have a lot of plains for this one.**

* * *

I try to sneak past my father but my room is on the second floor and the stairwell was on the other side of the living room, where my father is currently lounging, and empty bottles littering the floor around him.

"Hey, fag, make yourself useful and get me another beer." My father sneers at me from where he is sitting. I go back and get him another bottle, hoping tonight he won't get drunk. I surreptitiously sneak behind my father, thinking that I had finally escaped him. I sprint to my room and lock the door just as my phone lights signaling that there was a text message.

**Unknown:**

**Are you sure that you're okay?**

To Hummel:

How did you get my number?

**Hummel:**

**I got it from Blaine. Are you okay?**

To Hummel:

Yes, princess, I'm okay. Now will you leave me alone?

**Hummel:**

**You're lying.**

To Princess:

And you know that how?

**Princess:**

**It's this sixth sense that I have.**

To Gay Face:

Just leave me alone. I don't want comfort from you, Gay Face.

**Gay Face:**

**If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Good night Sebastian.**

To Kurt:

Thanks, Good night.

That night, I actually slept a little. Sure my stomach was killing me and I wanted to do was get up and eat something, but I slept at least an hour or two. I don't know why but knowing that someone like Gay Face wanted to know that I was okay, it was relaxing. It didn't change my mind of course, but it was nice to know that there was someone that didn't completely hate me.

That morning, I wake up to an empty house. I sigh and get out of bed; at least my father won't degrade me today. I look at clock and realize that it's ten. I was supposed to go to the Lima Bean at nine to finish my homework. I rush to get ready, skipping breakfast and getting out of the door. If I'm fast enough I might be able to apologize to Blaine as well. I started thinking about shortening the two weeks to one. I mean, two weeks is a lot of time to get everything done and over with. I want this to be fast and easy. I don't want to get cold feet at the last minute. I get to the Lima Bean in time to see Blaine and Kurt walk out, hand in hand.

I don't know what it is but there is this sudden anger as I watch them walk out, that is targeted at Blaine. I ignore the feeling and order myself a cup of black coffee and claim a table towards the back, so no one will find me unless of course they are looking for me. But who would look for me?

About after five minutes, I notice the seat across from me is inhabited. Kurt was watching me, well not watching more like staring intently.

"Can I help you?" I ask with a sharp tongue, looking up from my work. I didn't want to be bothered from my schoolwork. When I die, I was at least going to have good grades.

"I wanted to know if you were okay." He said sipping his coffee, looking me in the eye.

"I already told you I'm okay! Can't you just leave me alone?" I gather my things and leave; hopping in my car and driving off somewhere. I don't know where I'm going; I just want to get away from him. I don't know why I'm angry at him. I think it has to do with the fact that he's smothering me. First that unexpected flare about Blaine and now this, I think these mood swings are because of everything that is on my mind. I'm just glad that everything will go away and my mother will be waiting for me with open arms. Or at least I hope she does.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: My mind has gone crazy, I've been writing like crazy! Thank you long weekend! I hope you enjoy!

* * *

I was late for another Warblers meeting. I walked in the middle of a performance. The notes of 'Stand' ringing in my ears. What bullshit. When some old bully attempts suicide, he gets everyone's sympathy, but when I fall into a deep depression no one gives a fuck.

I put on my ' I don't give a fuck' face when the two other head Warblers turn and look at me. They seem pissed off, but right now I can't seem to focus on that. I hear words but they fly past my head. Something about punctuality and last chances. I nod before we go back to rehearsing.

By the end I feel like throwing up, but there isn't anything in my stomach to throw up. I grab my bag and rush out of the room, leaving others to whisper shit about me. I barely make it to my dorm bathroom before I'm retching up what seems to be black coffee. I feel horrible when I'm finished, resting my head against the wall. The AC vent providing me with a cold breeze of air. Thank god, I have a singular room. Having to explain why the bathroom had the distinct smell of vomit would have been hard.

Everything is fuzzy. I can't make out my own thoughts. I distinguish my phone ringing, but I don't have enough energy to answer it so I let it ring out. My eyelids begin to droop but I have a bolt of energy when there is a loud pounding on my door.

"Sebastian, you open this door right now!" Hummel's high pitched voice is echoing in my room.

"Hang on Princess." I call out and struggle to stand up. I use the counter to hold myself up. I carefully take a step forward, before I'm falling forward. I mutter out curses to myself. I prop myself back up and just yell at him,"It's open."

My door opens and I hear him calling my name. Then there's footsteps coming towards me. He crouches down beside me. I have to come up with a lie to cover this up, don't I?

"What happened? I heard from Nick that you weren't answering your phone. And now I find you almost passed out in your bathroom?" His voice sounds all nice and soft, but I know it's just an act. Why would he care about me? I'm just a jackass who deserves to die. He shouldn't be worrying about me, he should be laughing at the fact I'm in pain.

He's staring at me then I realize I haven't answered his question. I mumble something about too many shots. He seems to believe me. Before I realize what he's doing, he picks me up bridal style. Am I really that thin? Nah, Hummel must be stronger than I make him out to be.

I try to fight him, but his warm body feels good around me. I must be really cold if someone can make me feel warm. My body temperature is always warmer than everyone else. Jeff is convinced I'm a werewolf. He puts me down on my bed, I feel cold and I want him to hold me again.

He pulls the covers over me. I hear rustling and look at what he's doing. He places a bottle of aspirin along with a bottle of water on my bedside table. He looks over at me before kissing my forehead. He grabs his bag and walks out, closing the door behind him.

My heart is beating erratically, what the hell was that? Nothing about the scene that just happened makes me feel sexually turned on. I need to sort mt shitty feelings out but for now, I feel like sleeping. I close my eyes and stop thinking for a while.

_I'm in my dorm, but this time instead of lying in bed I'm pushed against the door. Wet lips attack my neck, while a hand is palming me through my boxers. God, that felt good,lips move upward and kiss me. Whoever this was tasted good. He stops and start sucking on that spot underneath my ear. I see pale hands trying to unzip my pants. I moan like a whore, my words barely comprehendible._

_"So perfect, so beautiful. Tell me Sebastian, do you think of yourself as perfect?" A hand reaches into my boxers and stokes my dick._

_"Umm..." I try to form a sentence but my mind isn't working. It feels so good, I feel that familiar heat in my stomach. My toes curl and I let out a long and deep moan before a loud beeping noise fills the room._

I shoot up from my bed, covered in sweat and come. I'm gasping for air. My alarm clock is blaring. Oh god, I just had a wet dream about Kurt Hummel.

I turn off my alarm and get out of bed. He is rather attractive and he's so sweet. Maybe Hummel is isn't that bad.

I walk over to the full length mirror and look at myself. I pull off my shirt and pinch everywhere there is fat hanging off. There was so much. Then I looked down at my arms, I could hide those with some concealer. I used to look good in t shirts. I should act nicer, actually show up on time rehearsals, stop making fun if the hobbit behind his back. Then I'll be perfect. Perfect for Kurt.


	4. Chapter 4

Warning- Self harm, anorexia,suicidal feelings from character.

A/N: You know that feeling of complete and utter failure? That feeling that keeps you up at night crying, that makes you stop eating, the one that makes you wonder what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know how to get rid of that feeling. -Danish

Chapter 4:

I grinned to myself when I saw Kurt at the Lima Bean. I held Kurt's coffee order and walked over to his table where Blaine was sitting across from him. _Blaine. _Even the sound of his name makes me sneer. No Sebastian, smile for Kurt.

I swagger over there, trying to make myself look presentable," Hey, Kurt. Blaine." I smile handing a coffee cup to a confused Kurt." It's a thank you for what happened yesterday." My smile grows bigger when he takes a tentative sip and gulps it down.

"So uh Sebastian, how's it going?" Blaine asks, trying to draw the attention off of Kurt.

I turn my head so fast that it you could hear the whoosh of the air moving." Everything's great, hobbit." I sneer at him. Did he not see Kurt right in front of him? Why bother strike up a conversation with me?

He 's taken aback and I mentally cackle. I bet that he was expecting to be showered in complements not be insulted. I turn back to Kurt and see that he is also shocked. That's when I remember I have to be nice to Blaine to get on Kurt's good side. I smile and walk away, thinking about what a fail I am. Even being nice gets me nowhere.

I order a low-fat blueberry muffin and snag an empty table and watch as they converse. Blaine seems very upbeat a happy. He's contributing to the conversation, in fact it looks like he's trying to save the conversation. Kurt looks bored. He looks stressed and highly annoyed by the over gelled gnome. He is barely saying anything, while he is texting vigorously under the table.

I check the time and see that I've been watching the pitiful scene for half an hour. I gather my things and throw away the uneaten muffin. I will myself to stop staring at Kurt and leave the Lima Bean.

I arrive back at Dalton about twenty minutes before the Warbler meetings Wes is still there, arms crossed with a very pissed off look on his face. I look at my phone again. Damnit! Today was fucking Wednesday! Which meant I had missed an entire meeting.

"You know what, Smythe? I don't care about however much money you have or how fucking great your singing is! Enough is enough! We all voted and came to an unanimous decision. You're are now officially removed from Dalton Academy's Acepella Warblers!" Wes said exasperated.

I stood there, the words not registering in my mind. They kicked me off. It was an unanimous vote. They all hate me.

Wes pushes his way past me and I am left there alone. Like always.

I wait about five minutes, so I know that I won't run into Wes. Then I make a dash to my dorm. I locked myself in the bathroom again. Should I call Kurt? He would make me feel better. But why did it matter if he made me feel better? I was going to be gone in a couple of days. Ten days to be exact. Then he'll be left with his downfalling relationship with the hobbit.

I have everything planned out. I'll start eating again two days prior to the event, that way I die in the ugly and fat form I was some days ago, when I decided to go through with this. The day before the last day of my life, I am donating everything I have to charity. 12 hours before I go into total chipper mood, come up with some excuse to tell people. 10 hours I am driving home and tell my drunk of a father that I'll be thinking of him whilst I burn in hell. 5 hours, I am going into lockdown in my dorm room. 3 hours, I will write my letters to those that care about me, which is just Kurt. 60 minutes I will delete every online account I have: Facebook, Instagram, Skype, etc. Then at I will take out a new blade and slit my wrists.

It is the most brilliant and perfect plan ever! I smirk to myself, dropping my phone. I don't need anyone. I don't need the Warblers. And I most certainly don't need Kurt 'GayFace' Hummel. I am Sebastian Smythe, I control my own life.

And in ten days, I will end my own life.

I'm going to end it all.


	5. Chapter 5

Right now, I believe that my life sucks. Today I got up and my father told me I was fat, lazy, and ugly. I believed him. Today I got up and went to the Lima Bean, which resulted in getting two iced coffees thrown at my face. And let me tell you, ice cubes fucking hurt. Then I saw him looking at me. Yes, _him_. The most beautiful, wonderful, amazing human being alive.

Kurt Hummel.

Just because I didn't need him to take care of me until my death date, I could always woo him with my charming ways. That was my first fucking mistake. I went to say hello to him, ended up fumbling over my words (smooth move, jack ass) and got glared at by the one and only Blaine Anderson.

That's how I ended up here, at an empty table in the very corner where no one will be able to find me, with my laptop open and a Microsoft Word document open. Mistake number two. Never ever decide to write the list of charities you were going to donate all of your stuff to in public. Because guess what two idiots are going to be the only people who looks for me, even though they had to pass _his _table. Ding, ding,that's right, people who actually read this. Nick and Jeff,otherwise known disguastingly as Niff. I swear, I just want to throw up when they are in the same room with me.

Anyways, those two bastards come bounding in, holding hands and shit like that. Jeff is looking around and I'm trying to hide even though I knew that they weren't looking for me.

But no, I was wrong. I was exactly who they were looking for. They manuevered their way to me and snuck up behind me.

"Hey, Sebastian! Whatcha doing?" Nick asks in such a chipper tone, it makes me want to throw my cup of coffee at him. I found that my temper was shortening more and more by the day.

"Yeah, why does your laptop say..." I close my laptop lightning fast before he could read the rest.

"Hey guys. What's up?" I ask, hoping that the two dimwits would forget about what they saw. "How's the Warblers? You guys should be rehearsing."

"We came here to apologize for the voting you off of the Warblers. We're really sorry that we voted yes. We sort of came to think of us as friends." Jeff said, in the sweetest tone ever created possible.

I don't really know what happened with my emotions there, but what he said really ticked me off. I just sort of lost my cool there.

"Friends? What gave you two retards the idea we were friends? I would much rather kill myself than strike up a friendship with people as stupid as you. I don't think you get it, if you mess with me, which all of you fucking Warblers did, I will destroy you. I mean ripping your emotional strength to pieces and making sure you go to bed every night crying. Don't even think for a fucking second, which I'm pretty sure you can't, that I will take mercy on you because you pranced in here with your fucking bubble of happiness and apologized. I. Will. Destroy. You." I all but yelled at them. I'm sure that there were tears in Jeff's eyes and Nick had his jaw drop from shock.

But I didn't care. They were horrible jerks anyway. In fact, I picked up my full coffee cup and smirked. I took off the top and dumped it on the both of them before storming out of the shop. That should get them to leave me alone for a while.

I felt someone take a hold of my arm and I looked back. It was _him_.

"Sometimes, sticking up for you can be so hard when you act like such a douschebag. I had to yell at Blaine for your sake. I told my boyfriend that he was a fucking idiot for even thinking about beating you up, I hope you are happy." Kurt growled.

I was. I was so fucking happy.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the wait. I haven't gotten into the writing mood for a while.


	6. Chapter 6

You know that feeling you have when people try to talk you out of killing yourself? That feeling that makes you want to punch them, but you can't. Because deep down you are craving for someone to notice. For someone to hear you whispering to yourself 'I need help. Please help me.'. Well fuck all the bastards who do that. They don't _understand_. They have never felt that feeling of being pushed away. _They_ have never known what it was to walk in y_our _shoes, to live _your_ life. _They_ just don't want to be responsible for your death. _They_ want to be as surprised as everyone else when your damn body is found. Never believe them when they say that they have been through the same thing_, _because there is no possible way for them to go through the same exact thing you have been going through. _They_ will never be you. _They_ will never see from your point of view. _They_ say your reasons are stupid. _They_ don't understand why someone who has _everything_ would want it to end. They compare you to a dying orphan is Africa. _They_ say that little boy is struggling to survive while you are just wanting to kill yourself because you don't have friends. _They_ try to compare apples to oranges. When I die, I am donating all of my money to that dying kid in Africa. He won't be dying anymore, happy? _They_ won't be able to use that against you. _They_ say everything gets better when you get older but it never does because tomorrow, next week, the week after that, hell even next year you will be the same fuck up. I want to die, it'll lower the population by 1, that's a change. No one will care. No one will mourn. They will continue their lives. No one will have that empty hole in their heart because I'm gone. They will never go through life wishing I was with there with them. No one will freak out and be crying and cutting themselves. No one would be praying or mentally breaking down. Because no one loves me. No one cares about me. No one understands what's been happening. I smile through it like nothing is wrong. I keep living my life-like any other person. I start to blend into the crowd of happy people because that's want I want people to believe. _They_ say to stop focusing on the bad things. That life has so many happy things in it. That you need to stop being so anti-social. That you should communicate with others. To mix and mingle to have more friends. But friends are just people who turn and stab you in the back.

Then there are parents. Who you used to think so highly of. Who you thought you loved, but then life comes and hits you in your face and you realize, they don't care. No matter how many expensive things Daddy Dearest buys you or how many times your mother keeps trying to compliment on how you look, they all have a limit. A limit where I have already been pushed beyond that limit. It's the limit beyond caring, beyond love, beyond parental bonds. It's the limit they begin to hate you, you're existence, you're very presence in the same house as you. Of course my mother is dead, I don't really remember her. Dad used to say I got her eyes, but that was before he turned into a drunk.

Or it's damned love. It's the greatest weapon you can have against someone. I never trusted anyone to let them make that vulnerable. I love him. I really do, but not the schoompy can't get him out of my head love. The kind of love that makes you want to call them, and just listen to them comfort you. It's the love of being safe and secure. Of having someone to talk to. Someone to tell the truth to. Not a building of lies that you created in your mind to make yourself believe that you are normal. A regular person, but you once again aren't. You are that fat,ugly, annoying, mean, horrible person and people don't have problems telling, or showing, how much they hate you.

I known I must sound very sad and depressing, but actually I am ecstatic. Today might just be the most amazing day of my life. It probably is,seeing as my life up to now was just plain horrible.

I hear my phone ringing and I pick it up smiling when I see who it is.

"Bas, I'm outside. Are you ready for our date?"

I glance out my window and sure enough, he is out there.

"Yeah, I'm coming."

* * *

a/n: I'm sorry for the shortness.


	7. Chapter 7

Fuck the world. Fuck every single person in this world. Fuck you, fuck Kurt, fuck Blaine, fuck my life. I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm fucking done. I am so fucking done. Everything just hurts to fucking much.

That 'date' was just Kurt sitting me down and telling me that he know I like him. And that he loves Blaine very much. He also said that no matter what he couldn't keep talking to me because Blaine was getting jealous and angry at him. He explained to me so condescendingly that he had plans for him and Blaine and that he would like this entire conversation to never be told to anyone.

I am so fucking mad. I throw my stuff on the floor of my room. I ran back downstairs and grab a pack of my dad's beer before going back and slamming the door. I open a bottle and start chugging it down.

Kurt can go fuck himself, because obviously Blaine's not doing it right. I throw the bottle at the wall, watching as it shatters into a million little pieces. I take one of the larger pieces and start digging it into my skin, watching as the blood spurts out. That's all I am now, fucking blood! I hate it, I need it out of my body.

"I DON't WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" I scream at the top of my lungs, digging the sharp glass into my arm. I get another bottle, pouring it down my throat, all of this alcohol is helping, considering I did a couple shots at the bar. "I hate you so fucking much, Gay face!" I yell, even though he can't possibly hear me. I take the bottle and throw it at my mirror, when I get a brilliant idea.

I take out my phone with shaky hands and dial Blaine's number. I know he doesn't have mine,since I stole his from Nick's phone when I was infatuated with him,(I have no idea what I was thinking, Blaine is fucking ugly while Kurt is an angel, a perfect angel) so this would be so easy. Once the ringing stops and I hear his stupid voice, so happy and care free.

"Hello?" He asks in such a perky voice it makes me want to punch him, "Who is this?"

"Look, you fucking fairy, you need to leave McKinley unless you want your face to be bashed in. Go far far away and leave your precious boyfriend or I will _kill_ you. Break up with him, break his fucking heart or I will break you. Get out of the state Ohio and never talk to him again. If you call the cops on me, I will find you and destroy you. No one will be able to recognize you when I'm done with you worthless slut. " I growl at him, my hands shaking violently from anger.

His breathing gets shallower and I know I have scared the shit out of him. "N-no, I love Kurt, I wouldn't do that to him." He replied.

"No you don't. You've been cheating on him, does Eli sound familiar, you whore?'' I sneer.

"How do you know about Eli? Who are you?" He asked in a frightened tone.

"You don't fucking need to know who I am. And Eli should probably tell you about his diseases. Or maybe I should tell Kurt that too."

" Don't, please don't. I'll do it, just don't, don't tell Kurt." He sighs, quickly hanging up.

I smirk, turning my phone off and taking another beer. I crack the bottle over the picture of my mother I have in my room, temporarily damaging it.

Fuck her too, she left me. She fucking left me. I don't her acceptance. She won't be waiting in heaven for me, cause I will be burning in hell.


	8. Chapter 8

I have a horrible headache and was bleeding from the broken glass that is now everywhere in room. I only remember certain things of the previous night, the phone call with Blaine( that kid was really stupid, how could you not know it was me?), the screaming, and the cutting. I sigh and roll out of bed, going into my bathroom and swallowing some Advil. I wince when I turn the sink on, the rushing water just worsened the pounding in my head. I step out of the bathroom and sneak downstairs, afraid of Dad being still home. He usually left around this time, so the coast should be clear. I quietly crept down the stairs and into the kitchen. I froze when I see him looking through the fridge, obviously in search for his beer. I was about to bolt upstairs when he turned around and glared at me.

"Did you drink my beer, boy?" He says angrily, stepping closer to me. "And don't you fucking lie to me, faggot."

My eyes widen as I swallow around the lump in my throat. "N-no sir." I reply quietly, backing away from him. "I would nev-"

At that moment my dad punched me. I could feel the bruises beginning to blossom on my face. "I said not to lie, you queer." He sneers at me.

"I'm sorry. I- I was going to buy m-more. Promise." I stutter,"I c-can go some now."

"It's no use, I'll pick some up on the way home. Do something useful and go to that fucking private school I pay for you." Dad spits out at me, before grabbing his briefcase and leaving, slamming the door behind him.

"I can't be useful. That's why I want to kill myself." I mutter to myself.

I'm already late. What's the point? I should have been in my dorm by last night, but I was a bit preoccupied being bitchy by my surroundings. Did I mention how much I hate Mondays? I run back up to my room to get dressed and hide the bruises that had shown up before running back to grab my keys and rush out to my car. I start driving, knowing that today is going to be hell.

When I pull into the parking lot, it's already 11. It's no use, I should just turn back. But I see something that catches my eye. It's the Warblers walking over to Wes' and Jeff's car, all of them obviously happy about something. It's study hall, they usually use that time for their practice. I get out, hoping they don't notice me. But since this is me, and God wants me to kill myself, I hear a familiar, perky, care free voice calling my name.

"Hey Bastian!" Blaine said, running up to me. The Warblers hang back and just watch us.

"Hey, Blaine." I say in a strained voice, my hands curling into fists. "What are you doing here?" Then I notice he's in his uniform.

"I transferred back, I missed the Warblers and Dalton. Isn't that great?" He said happily. "I just couldn't stay at McKinley. The only reason I went there was because of Kurt. And now..." He trails off, looking sad.

Wait. Kurt was single. Blaine had broken up with him! This was amazing. I could have him, but why would he want to go out with me? I was a horrible monster. I threatened his boyfriend to break up with him. I made him heartbroken. I've been an asshole to him for such a long time, never appreciating what he did for me.

He would never want me.

"Are you okay?" I hear Blaine's voice, drawing me out of my thoughts.

"Fine, just tired. I should sign in, I'm already late." I lie, turning and speed walking away from him and the Warblers. I walk into the front office, where the secretary tuts at me. I roll my eyes. I take my late slip and head to study hall. I can sleep there and not deal with the preppy idiots I school with. I enter a loud classroom, filled with boys talking and laughing with their friends.I wish I could do that, but I don't want to befriend these people. I hand the late pass to the teacher before settling in the back of the room, where everything was quiet. I closed my eyes and was out like a light. I must've been dead asleep because Mr. Wilkins had to shake me awake after the bell had rung.

The rest of the day was just horrible. My head hurt, I couldn't pay attention in any of my classes, I didn't have any homework done, my teachers probably hate me. I was feeling pretty light headed since I never eat anymore, I'm living off of chewing gum. I go back to my dorm and lock myself in. I curl up on my bed, staring at the wall. I think about everything. Kurt, the Warblers, Blaine, my Dad, and most of all my Mom. She was beautiful. I've seen the pictures of her, I still kind of remember her. She was amazing. There was a video of all three of us, we were in the kitchen of our house in France. I must have been 3 or 4, she was singing as we made cookies. My Dad was sounded so happy and content. But then everything went downhill. When I was six, I was sat down by my Dad, who had locked himself in his room for a week. He explained to me how Mommy had gone away and that she wasn't going to come back. I remember asking where she went and why she didn't take me with her.

I know, everyday of my dad's life, he would rather have her instead of me. He doesn't love me anymore. I watched him cut me out of every single picture we had of Mom. He held the picture and smiled. He reminds just how much he hates me, everyday. I'll be doing him a big favor by getting rid of myself. I start sobbing, burying my head in my pillow. I'm a disappointment. I'm so fucked up, it's not funny anymore. Just yesterday I was screaming and having a tantrum. Now I'm having an emotional breakdown. I'm really sorry. For everyone whose ever met me. Their lives would be so much better without me.


End file.
